OPENING CREDITS
Trust Me Records (2000)
Album (CD)




1. End Credits

2. Greatest Hits

3. I'm So Happy You Failed

4. Nothing To Declare

5. Another Song

6. Bad News

7. A Little Guilt

8. The Stranger

9. Wedding Band

10. The Reason

11. It's Still Rock 'n' Roll To Me

12. Fountain of Youth

 

All songs written by Jesse Hartman, published by 1997-2001 Exurbia Music, Inc. (BMI), except 11, written by B. Joel









END CREDITS

Hey, you're not at home
Or never answer
Pick up your telephone

Stop this teenage movie we've lived
Stop this teenage movie, you dig?

I'm ready to roll the end credits

Ready for the curtain call

You think you're blowing me off
Well, maybe you are
Maybe I say sour grapes
I still never want to see you again

Stop this teenage movie we've been in
Stop this teenage movie, you dig?

I'm ready to roll the end credits

Ready for the curtain call

End credits


GREATEST HITS

You remind me of a couple girls I used to know
That I used to be involved with
Thanks a lot, what a compliment
Wait, I know that sounds a little bad
Yes, it does
But I mean the good traits
Why don't you just go back to them then?
No, no, no
I'm saying just the opposite
I'm saying the reverse

You're a "greatest hits"
You're a "the best of"
You include only the good cuts of the girls that I've been out with
You're a "greatest hits"
You're a "the best of"
Why don't you shut your mouth before you scratch it up?
What a minute

Is that it?
No, I'm just saying...
You're a little like Miranda
Oh baby, she could name a tune
Oh, could she?
Just flip on any radio station
And like two notes in
She's like that's "so and so" from 'eighty-two

You're a little like Francesca
Who's Francesca?
With crazy stories from her youth
Mom on some heavy drugs
Dad in the Mafia
Yeah, I thought that all was pretty cool
You better get over yourself

Why don't you just go back to them then?
Honey, I'm saying the reverse

You're a "greatest hits"
You're a "the best of"
You include only the best cuts
You're the one I want
You're a "greatest hits"
A "best of"
Why don't you shut your mouth before you scratch it up?
Wait a minute

Hey, where you going?
I'm leaving
No!
I'm leaving, I'm leaving you
Is it something I said?
Come on
I'm leaving
It can't be
I'm leaving, I'm leaving you

Hey honey, come back
What, so you can talk about your skanky ex-girlfriends?
Skanky? You got to call them skanky?
How dare you? Get off me!
I can't believe you said that
You're totally misunderstanding me
I am not misunderstanding you
I understand perfectly well

You're a "greatest hits"

You're a "greatest hits"
You're a "the best of"
You include only the good cuts of the girls that I've been out with
You're a "greatest hits"
You're a "the best of"
You include only the best cuts, you're the one I want

You're a greatest hits
You include only the best cuts, you're the one I want


I'M SO HAPPY YOU FAILED

Word on the street says
Your second record's dead and
You're not doing very well

Can't say that I'm depressed
Still I could never guess
Just how good that makes me feel

I'm sinking to your level
I'm sinking low down
I'm sinking
I know I'm going to hell
But I'm...Yes, I'm...

I'm so happy you failed
I'm so happy you lost your mind
I'm so happy you failed
Your misery makes me smile

I know that I am setting myself up
For the same song to get sung right back to me

But I can't help it
You are such a selfish mother
Like no other that I've seen

I'm sinking to your level
I'm sinking low down
I'm sinking
I know I'm going to hell
'Cause I'm...Yes, I'm...

I'm so happy you failed
I'm so happy you lost your mind
I'm so happy you failed
Your misery makes me smile

Look, I know it's wrong
I feel bad I do
But it's not like I'm the only one

We're so happy you failed
Yeah, everybody's happy
Everyone's happy you failed
Do you know what I mean?
Do you hear them?
We're all so happy you failed
The whole world's happy
The whole world's happy you failed
Your misery makes me smile
The Brazilians are happy
The whole world's happy you failed
The Japanese are happy
Everyone's happy you failed
North America is very happy
The whole world's happy you failed
Of course the German's are happy
Everyone's happy you failed
The men from outer space are happy
The whole world's happy you failed
And I am definitely happy
Everyone's happy you failed


NOTHING TO DECLARE

Don't bother me with your customs cards
I got nothing from abroad
No romance, no precious stones
No sexy stories to take home

I went to Cairo
I went to Spain
I swam across the Magellan Strait
I looked for love
And all I got was this lousy t-shirt

I've got nothing to declare
Except my loneliness
I've got nothing to declare
N-O-T-H-I-N-G
Nothing of value here

Do your strip search, call your dogs
Spread my legs against the wall
Search my bags, check my soul
My total value is zero

I went to Tokyo
I went to Spain
I walked across the African Plains
I looked for love
And all I got was this lousy t-shirt

I've got nothing to declare
Except my loneliness
I've got nothing to declare
N-O-T-H-I-N-G
No fruit, no plants, no animals
No currency, no thing commercial
I've got nothing to declare
Nothing of value here

I'm a failed explorer with empty hands
A Don Quixote with jet lag

I've got nothing to declare
Except my love not used
I've got nothing to declare
N-O-T-H-I-N-G
No fruit, no plants, no animals
No currency, no thing commercial
I've got nothing to declare
Nothing of value here


ANOTHER SONG

I can't write another song about you
Another story of love gone wrong
No, I can't write

I'd rather die than write another verse concerning you
Can't have you thinking I'm hanging on
No, I can't write

Another song 'bout how you left and now I'm all alone
Another song 'bout how you won't answer your telephone
Another song
I thought you might appreciate the info
I can't write another song about you

I have a life
I've got a lot of things to say, I do
Can't have you thinking I'm all about you
I can write

I can write something political
Something affecting that I just saw on the news
Something with insight
Something impersonal
I can write sans you

Another song
Yeah, I write another song, oh yeah
Another song
That has no chorus about loneliness
Another song
About some topic I've not thought of yet
I can write another song

Not about you (this ain't about you)
Another song
This ain't about you
Another song
I can write another song

I can do it by myself
No, I don't need you anymore
I can find myself a new muse
I can write
I can write sans you


BAD NEWS

You've got a nasty reputation
But mine might just be worse than yours
You're a five-alarm fire
You're a deadly tropical storm
You're a no cure virus
You're a threat of chemical war

You're bad news and I'm bad news
Let's make headlines together
You're bad news and so am I
Let's make some headlines together

We're the kind of story people love to hate
They're sick and tired but they keep reading

You're a sexual scandal
You're a killer on the run
You're a stock market in shambles
You're a child with a loaded machine gun

You're bad news and I'm bad news
Let's make headlines together
You're bad news and so am I
Let's make some headlines together

You want the good news or the bad?
The bad news
You want the good news or the bad?
The bad news
You want the good news or the bad news?
Extra! Extra! Read all about it

You're bad news and I'm bad news
Let's make headlines together
You're bad news and so am I
Let's make some headlines together


A LITTLE GUILT

There's nothing like a little guilt to make you feel like you want to cry
There's nothing like a little guilt to make you feel like you want to
Feel like you want to die

I've been bad and I've been mean
I've burned every bridge across this social scene
I can't be taken anywhere
'Cause I might run into an ex-affair
I feel so sick
I can't sleep
I got my head in the toilet with a case of dry heaves
I'd give anything to get rid of this mood poisoning

There's nothing like a little guilt to make you feel like you want to cry
No, there's nothing like a little guilt to make you feel like you want to
Feel like you want to die

Maybe I'm overreacting
Yeah, so I've cheated
It's not like I've killed, like I've raped and pillaged
Yeah, I can go anywhere
Get out of this house, no need to feel scared
Hit some clubs, hit the streets
But before I know it I've got the dry heaves
I would give anything to get rid of this mood poisoning

There's nothing, nothing like a little guilt
Nothing like a little guilt

 

THE STRANGER

You are the stranger
It's up to you
Make a decision
Oh, what are you gonna do?

Don't you ever get mad?
Are you gonna toss your youth?
Don't you ever show some emotion?
Don't you ever?

You are the stranger
It is up to you
You are the stranger
Don't you ever get mad?

It is up to you
Have you read Camus?
It's time to choose

Are you gonna be bad?
Or are you gonna be sweet?
Are you gonna show some existence?
Are you gonna? Don't you ever?

You are the stranger
It is up to you
You are the stranger
Don't you ever get mad?

It's up to me
I can to it
It's up to me
Think I can


WEDDING BAND

Long time no see
Can't wait to hear what you want from me
Oh, could it be time to admit
That you have been in love with me since we were six?

That would be too good to be true
That you'd feel the way that I have about you
I know something else on your mind
There's gotta be a reason after all this time

You say, "Give me a hand
I thought you'd know a decent wedding band
I'm getting married
Oh, could you call a few musician friends?"

You got me totally wrong
I don't know the kind of folks those do those songs
This is just like we're in school
You never really understood that I could be cool

At least in my mind I thought that I was
But I guess f I was that you would've loved
Me instead of who is the guy?
The guy that you are gonna spend the rest of you life

You say, "Give me a hand
I thought you'd know a decent wedding band
I'm getting married
Oh, could you call a few musician friends?"

Long time no see
This ain't exactly how I hoped it would be

You say, "Give me a hand
I thought you'd know a decent wedding band
I'm getting married
Oh, could you call a few musician friends?"


THE REASON

Cathy told me that she ran into you and
My name happened to come up

Not to see how I am
Not to send me a kiss
You just want to let people know I'm an asshole

That I'm the reason you're screwed up
Am I the reason that you're screwed up?
No!

Look, I am sorry that you're life's so difficult but
Your collapse is not my fault

Yeah, we went out for a while
It didn't end with a smile but
You were a loon before I even laid eyes on you

I'm not the reason you're screwed up
Am I the reason that you're screwed up?

I think that you should see a shrink as soon as possible
'Cause there is something that I think
There's something you should know

You're the reason
Blame yourself or someone else
Not me

Try your alchy mother
Try your sixth grade teacher
Try your bad step brother
Blame someone else
Don't blame me

I'm not the reason
Am I the reason that you're screwed up?
No!

I'm not the reason


IT'S STILL ROCK 'N' ROLL TO ME

(written by B. Joel)


What's the matter with the clothes I'm wearing?
"Can't you tell that your tie's too wide?"
Maybe I should buy some old tab collars?
"Welcome back to the age of jive"
"Where have been hiding out lately, honey?
You can't dress trashy till you spend a lot of money"
Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but it's still rock and roll to me

What's the matter with the car I'm driving?
"Can't you tell that it's out of style?"
Should I get a set of white wall tires?
"Are you gonna cruise the miracle mile?
Nowadays you can't be too sentimental
Your best bet's a true baby blue Continental
Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk
It's still rock and roll to me

Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in the papers
'Cause it's always been the same old scene
There's a new band in town
But you can't get the sound from a story or a magazine...
Aimed at you average teen

How about a pair of pink sidewinders
And a bright orange pair of pants?
"You could really be a Beau Brummel baby
If you just give it half a chance
Don't waste your money on a new set of speakers
You get more mileage from a cheap pair of sneakers"
Next phase, new wave, dance craze, anyways
It's still rock and roll to me

What's the matter with the crowd I'm seeing?
"Don't you know that they're out of touch?
Should I try to be a straight 'A' student?
"If you are then you think too much.
Don't you know about the new fashion honey?
All you need are looks and whole lotta money."
It's the next phase, new wave, dance craze, anyways
It's still rock and roll to me"

Everybody's talkin' 'bout the new sound
Funny, but it's still rock and roll to me


FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

I hear you know about a special place
And that you're sailing sometime soon
Ponce de Leon, I'm getting old
Take me with you, I could use that fountain

In my career you need to look your best
I can't afford some baggy eyes
Ponce de Leon, please don't say no
Take me with you, I could use that...

Fountain of youth
I could use more time
Fountain of youth
To start over my life

Do you have an idea what a plastic surgeon costs these days?
Do you know what a pain that it is to exercise?
When you're on the go? When you're getting old?
Mr. Leon, I could use that fountain

I will do my best to be useful if aboard your pretty ship
I'll swab the decks, I'll do whatever's needed
Ponce de Leon, you are the bomb
Take me with you I could use that...

Fountain of youth
I could use more time
Fountain of youth
To start over my life
Fountain o'
Fountain o'
I need to be younger
Fountain o'
Fountain o'
Help me, I need water

Ponce de Leon, take me with you
I'm afraid of getting old

Youth, youth, youth...